Animals that would look better with facial hair

Animals are already pretty amazing. Some are incredible predators...


some are part of this complete breakfast...


But as awesome as animals are, there’s always room for improvement, and this is where science comes in. I don’t mean genetically engineering brain-sharks (that sounds awesome though), I mean giving animals the one thing they lack: sweet facial hair. Here are my suggestions of where to start.

Great White Shark: A Soul Patch

The Great White is nature’s perfect killing machine. But he lacks SYTLE. I think a soul patch would be a great way to let everyone know “I’m a shark. It’s cool, bro.”

Cane Toad: Grandpa Beard

The Cane Toad doesn’t have time for your crap, and if he had a lawn, he’d be croaking at you to get off of it.

Dolphin: Der Führer

Not a lot of people know this, but Dolphins are full of hate. ALL dolphins would sport the Hitler look if they could. Fish-eating jerks.

Barracuda: Mutton Chops

The Barracuda is a pretty cool fish, but today’s kids just don’t GET IT. The Barracuda is OLD SCHOOL. Some bushy sideburns would let people know that back in the day, this fish had it going on.

Cobra: Molester Mustache

We teach young kids to be on the lookout for creeps and pedophiles, but what do we teach them about cobras? ALMOST NOTHING. Why don’t we save some time and just tell kids to be on the lookout for people and snakes with creepy mustaches?

Cow: Texas Flavor Saver

They already have to live their life without freedom, being constantly milked and/or made into steak. Let them at least walk around with some dignity.

Polar Bear: Wizard Beard

Wizards are mysterious and powerful…JUST LIKE POLAR BEARS. Some people say that this is actually a Santa beard, but what is Santa besides the wizard of Christmas?

Tortoise: A Fu Manchu

Tortoises have a quiet wisdom that younger animals just don’t understand. A great way to play up the wisdom angle would be with a beard like a kung-fu master.  Next step: actually teaching them kung-fu.

Duck: Salvador Dali

Ducks may look like just another barnyard animal, but they have an arty side that most people miss.

Chimp: Gentleman’s ‘Stache

Maybe they’d stop throwing poop if they looked a little more classy? Mankind’s closest genetic relative could become mankind’s most stylish genetic relative.